Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?
Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.
Me: How much is this costing me?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
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If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Too many men hate it when I put both of my hands on their shoulder and ask if everything is alright take this guy at the urinal for example
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please
store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives
Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this