@SvnSxty

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

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@DiamondLou69

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

@Love_bug1016

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

@JermHimselfish

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

@colebuer

It’s been 4 years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else

@UnFitz

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

@envydatropic

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.