Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
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When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
😂😂
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do