*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
happy friday
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.