FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
You Might Also Like
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
me when i see my girls butt
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
This guy gets it.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”