Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

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No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.


The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.


He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.


someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.


Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.


Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?


gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*


I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride


If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.