@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

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@Mom_Overboard

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

@10InchesPlus

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

@perlhack

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

@JermHimselfish

Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?

@hamersauce

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

@audipenny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

@vineyille

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.