Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
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cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be