[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.