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@CAshmanActor: [farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
@BartenderMB: My girlfriend said that sex is better on vacation. That wasn't the postcard I was expecting.
@ChrChristensen: "Do you believe in evolution?"
"Then what makes The West superior?
@NurseSeymour: Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he'll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
@GoodZiIIa: me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
@Mr_Kapowski: *begins massaging shampoo into her hair*
*purposely gives her a wet willy*
Her: Hey! I’m gonna get you fired from this salon!
Me: *whispers in her ear* Good luck. I don’t work here