@CAshmanActor

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

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@megstalter

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

@LaceyNycole

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

@Lhlodder

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

@ShellHasDragons

Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!

@KevinFarzad

Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science

@Terdoh

My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like “You’re five years old? When I was your age I was six!”

@JohnLyonTweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.