If you get baby fever, do you have to take baby aspirin?
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
*Calls the DMV*
Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks
I put the ‘fun’ in functional alcoholic.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.
Peep before you poop.
Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?
Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?
83% of parenting is repeating the same set of instructions over and over using a different kid’s name.