@CAshmanActor

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

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@KarenKilgariff

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

@jessforaminute

*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks

@lisaOoOo

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

@envydatropic

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

@iFluff8

Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.

Be smart.

Peep before you poop.

@HairyJew4Life

Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?

@underrateDad

83% of parenting is repeating the same set of instructions over and over using a different kid’s name.