“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.