[farmers market]

Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?

Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?

Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so

Me: *leans in close* If I find out-

Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me

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Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers


He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.


ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane


Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.


Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece

Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?


Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?


AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.



GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.