Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!


ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.



THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?


“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math


Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.


Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?


I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.


My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.


Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.


I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.