Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
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me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If you know, you know
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: