Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
You Might Also Like
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
moderator: lol no not even close
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
*pulls handle on slot machine
*diarrhea comes out
Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.