Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly


My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.


[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close


If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.


Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.


If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.


[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water


*pulls handle on slot machine
*diarrhea comes out


Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.