Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT