@TheCiscoKidder

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

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@lisaxy424

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

@MarfSalvador

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

@House_Feminist

[at the library checking out a book]

[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]

[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@TheToddWilliams

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

@Gooooats

*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@brennadine

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

@blaha_Who

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon