Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”


Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.


This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.


*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*


wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you


*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*


archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this


When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.


The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.