@TheCiscoKidder

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

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@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

@isaaaa

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

@Ristolable

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

@druuuck

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

@DadZZZasleep

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

@TheHyyyype

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@JohnLyonTweets

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.