@KalvinMacleod

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

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@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@jctwritesstuff

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

@__MikeScott

If Shakira’s hips were in charge, none of this would have happened.

@dubiousrhetoric

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

@DecantAndPour

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

@itsallbollocks

can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks

@VikingBut

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

@laurajennyjo

*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food