FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.



Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
M: Wanna get in my genes?
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?


If Shakira’s hips were in charge, none of this would have happened.


Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.


I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.


can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks


People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice


*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food