@cravin4

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

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@Darlainky

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

@Gupton68

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

@Jake_Vig

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

@BattyMclain

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

@bonniemcfarlane

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

@_salt_n_lime

Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.

@PaperWash

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

@LostInAisle3

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

@dlockw21

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!