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@cravin4: *fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it's still NO!
@ramblinma: I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn't cost anything.
@TheAlexNevil: Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I'll just eat it here.
@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a cop]
me: suspect is running nude through downtown
dispatch: copy that
me: *starts undressing*
@blade_funner: [my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
@Still_Khaleesi: It's so annoying when you've already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn't follow the script. Learn your script! 😫