@cravin4
@Darlainky
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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@Darlainky
@Gupton68
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
@Jake_Vig
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
@BattyMclain
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
@bonniemcfarlane
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
@_salt_n_lime
Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.
Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.
Me: I said what I said.
@PaperWash
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
@LostInAisle3
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
@ReticentTurnip
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
@dlockw21
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!