@EricaWhoToYou: Dear Abby, I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

@SamuelHLowe: - If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you! - Don't be selfish, think about the baby. - What baby? - Oh, so you're not pregnant?

@eminmien: "There's nothing wrong with being single." No. "I've got plenty of time." Sure. "I'm not lonely." Sir, are you going to buy anything?

@KeetPotato: "we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry" ha, hes always wandering off "no he.." *holds up one finger while on phone* dad ring me back