@ramblinma: I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn't cost anything.

@TheAlexNevil: Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes? Baker: But of course! When do you need it by? M: No, I'll just eat it here.

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a cop] me: suspect is running nude through downtown dispatch: copy that me: *starts undressing*

@blade_funner: [my first day as a 911 operator] *eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

@Still_Khaleesi: It's so annoying when you've already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn't follow the script. Learn your script! 😫