*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.


Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.


Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.


My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.


My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.


Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.


Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance


It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.


As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks


*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!