*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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This took me a second..
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?