[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
#damn
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it