ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort