4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking