Fat chances are my favorite chances
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i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy