@PaperWash

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

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@ericONEderful

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

@priya_ebooks

o yeah u love women??? name their last three albums. thought so. u don’t listen to women

@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

@T_N_Crumpets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

@Consent2Treat

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

@Sassafrantz

[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?

@Sarcasticsapien

Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

@amydillon

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.