If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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o yeah u love women??? name their last three albums. thought so. u don’t listen to women
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I need ten thousand dollars in unmarked avocados.
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.