[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense