Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground


Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.


Arugala is my favorite vegetable that sounds like it’s drowning.


Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin


I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.


if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week


This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.


I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.