@mrjohndarby

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

You Might Also Like

@causticbob

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

@byronblurb

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

@tweetsvisual

Arugala is my favorite vegetable that sounds like it’s drowning.

@Icy_Sign

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@notviking

if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

@Tmoney68

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

@iGreenMonk

I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.