Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
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Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away