{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
describing stardew valley
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
giddy up Office Depot
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Skills
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!