[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
the best thing i’ve ever made
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Breaking news:
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????