People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
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Oh. My. God.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Warm pools make me nervous.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!