“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
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If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater