@Sarcasticsapien: Father's Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
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@AmishPornStar1: Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning... I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"
@Donnie_Fairburn: Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso
@TylerLinkin: I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later... Holy Shit!