@Sarcasticsapien

Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.

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@david8hughes

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

@UncleDuke1969

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

@badbanana

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

@JWilsonGA

I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.

@Cidisn

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

@iwearaonesie

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

@djdarrellripley

Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”

@vault101girl

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.