@Sarcasticsapien

Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.

You Might Also Like

@realHamOnWry

I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head.

@ohpeetie

My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.

@_mindflakes

Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

@JessiCanadian

Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*

@BlindChow

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right