[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
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ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?
Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.