They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.