@FilthyRichmond

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

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@boom_goes_the

In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.

@CulturedRuffian

I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.

@AmericanGent69

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

@ibid78

Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses

@rebrafsim

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

@TheToddWilliams

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@ThugRaccoons

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’