Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

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In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.


I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.


*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.


Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.


Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses


[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages


“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”


People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”


My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’