Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet