Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
“you changed” bro i was 15
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha