#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart