[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
i baked you a cake
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”