I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!