my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.
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Fox has cancelled American Idol.
From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I’ll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.
Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.
11yo: Daddy, why can’t we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.
[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.
Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs