Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*