@brownbear952

Favorite Doubles:
1. Scotch
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Bourbon
4. Entendres
5. Dipping

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@iamspacegirl

my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

@moose_chocolate

Fox has cancelled American Idol.

From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I’ll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.

@hero_ofthenight

Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.

@jackiembouvier

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

@thenatewolf

Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.

@Boba_Photo

11yo: Daddy, why can’t we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.

@somelightcrying

[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.

“Snow White?”

Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.

@VanGobot

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

@junejuly12

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs