[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
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Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.