{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: