Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.