Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.


Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house


[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*


The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.


A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time


therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants


Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.


My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.