is this too much to ask for
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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Mullet For My Valentine
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.