Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant