Favourite diary entry ever
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.