@Marcmywords2

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

@TheTweetOfGod

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

@MacAnnabella

People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@hippieswordfish

ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches

@LizerReal

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

@sweetg35

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

@Chumpstring

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

@tsm560

*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*