Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…
I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
*thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*