Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree