FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Check your privilege
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.