FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

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Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”


They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.


My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.


What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.


“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck


*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin


You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.


If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son


If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.