@Glennot73

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

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@Mr_Kapowski

Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”

@karanbirtinna

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

@simoncholland

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

@Lmao

What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.

@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

@ThaJawn

*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin

@TheTweetOfGod

You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.

@Mr_Kapowski

If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son

@pertyy_

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.