@Glennot73

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

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@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

@mrjohndarby

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

@AimeeHelene1

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

@roxiqt

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

@GreenishDuck

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

@KalvinMacleod

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

@prufrockluvsong

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

@junejuly12

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

@Jaywoo74

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.

@DirtyTalkBooks

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.