FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

You Might Also Like


Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law


her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best


Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.


THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”


Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.


FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake


doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side


I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.


Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.


If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.