FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
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My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
What do you hear?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game