5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”
Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
why is it that whenever i sit alone in my dark room for days at a time consuming ungodly amounts of food without any social interaction im “depressed” and “need to see a therapist” but whenever other people do it they’re “quarantining”
Wait – so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.