FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.