@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

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@Mhmm_ok_sure

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

@thebitchyfairy

My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

@skylerhanrath

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

@NourHadidi

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

@dreamthievin

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

@BlackJerms

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

@TheOnion

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple