FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
You Might Also Like
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
This took me a second..
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.