15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
You Might Also Like
My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.