FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
You Might Also Like
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?