ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”
They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.