FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Fights fire with marshmallows
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Dietest Coke