FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”