fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Thoughts
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.