Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job