[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs
Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb