my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean