FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
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Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out